Anger for me tears me up and anger for me is a choice. I know for those of you who have anger issues like I did, what I write is easier said than done.
I’ve done a great deal of soul searching and my anger is a result of the other two emotions I’m sharing about worry and fear. When I’m afraid I am angry when I’m worried I am angry.
I ask myself why do I react with anger, rather then acceptance and faith?
The simplest and most honest answer I can give is that is what I chose to use . I chose anger!
Did I learn anger? Most probably, and most definitely it was displayed in both of my homes .
In My Birth Family’s home where I stayed until I was nine months there was a great deal of anger and then in my adoptive home my Mom always displayed anger, but, in the end it was my choice to keep using it as a tool and a tool that got me no where lost me friends and family and kept me sad, worried , alone and isolated. I never taught myself other ways to cope and other ways to interact with others. I just carried around that brick wall and put it up at a moments notice and boy oh boy did that get tiring.
When I was very sad it was always self created. Of course there are times that sadness is normal feeling to acceptable loss. The loss of a loved one, the loss of a pet, the loss of employment, which some times those losses can lead you right back into anger.
My sadness was mostly self inflicted , due to my anger. I’ve come to see that I do have regrets, I’m not one to agree with what is said in meetings that “we have no regrets” I do and I had to make sure that I don’t add on any more.
It has truly bothered me that I’ve made a choice to live and spew anger which in turn left me sad for my choice and the consequences I had to face due to those choices
When I get really truly sad, I isolated and starting believing in the propaganda that I was bi-polar, which it seems like almost every one who comes into program especially woman are diagnosed bi-polar and then go on to a whole new world of meds.
Then it hit me as I spent days laying in bed and isolating that I was making another choice and using time I’ll never get back in a very destructive way, and while life was still moving on and I was doing nothing I’d start to worry about the things that got me here and that things that I’m not taking care of and my goodness, I was more tired wasting time in those emotional modes that I would have been if I just chose to shake it off and do the best I could
Then Fear sest in.
This is one emotion that I have allowed myself to waste time over and over again.
Asking what if I did it this way? What is going to happen? What am I going to do? How is this going to work?
I’ve driven myself to some good old days of drinking and eating what I call comfort foods and smoking and not doing anything else while I was filled with fear and worry. No matter how many times I asked those questions , no matter how much I drank, ate and smoked nothing changed if I did not get off my ass and change it.
What a truly amazing feeling when you stop hiding and start living it feels wonderful, to use and live each day to the fullest .